Choosing what’s on your plate
Many of us feel like we are at a buffet of endless work. As TV producer Jenji Kohan said recently, “showrunning is like a pie-eating contest, where the reward is more pie.”
A client wanted to understand why she had so much work on her plate. She gave me permission to share how we worked together to help her gain insight.
Here’s what she had to say:
“I can’t figure out why I have so much work on my plate. I love what I do and I’m really helping people, but I don’t have the energy I need to keep at it day after day. I’m exhausted by the middle of the day and I’m sometimes unable to engage well with other things, like having fun with people I care about. When I do have time at the end of the day, I want to spend it with my kids and spouse. Instead, I’m so beat, I find myself just mindlessly scrolling on my phone or tidying things around the house.
She continued, “I’m sure there are a lot of different things going on here, but for now, I want to understand more about how I handle the work once it’s on my plate. I already know that I feel compelled to finish it all! If this was a food metaphor, it’d be like this:
I’m sitting down for breakfast. A pile of food lands in front of me. There’s so much of it, it could feed a family for a week! No thought was paid to portion sizes, definitely not a cohesive menu! And you couldn’t plate this in a less appetizing way! Do I have to eat this? Where do I even start? I guess I’ll just start with the top of the pile and eat til I’m done…nobody better interrupt me! I’m busy eating!
Once I’m done, I feel terrible, stuffed. I definitely don’t feel like being with anyone. I don’t even want to do other things I enjoy, like reading a book or going for a walk outside.”
Extending the food metaphor, we broke down the assumptions she was making about what was in front of her:
- If a plate of food is in front of me, I shouldn’t question how it got there or how it looks.
- All this food must be for me!
- I should start eating immediately so I can hurry up and be done.
- I need to finish all the food and get my clean plate club trophy!
- I don’t have the time or the authority to change anything about what’s on my plate.
We could then start to see how those assumptions aren’t really all that true. My client’s thought process would then be:
If I’m being who I believe myself to be, I would
- Let myself feel…disgusted at the sight of the plate. I usually squash that feeling because it’s unpleasant to feel and I don’t know what to do with it. But this plate actually looks gross!
- Notice my impulse to start eating right away so I can hurry up and finish.
- Use the burst of energy from feeling disgusted to help me pause and wonder what is driving that feeling.
- Remember that I know how to re-organize things to prepare an appetizing plate of food.
- Recognize that I have the time and agency to do just that.
- Remove what is not essential for this meal and store it away for later (fridge, pantry, back burner).
- Notice there’s plenty of extra food and commit to sharing with a friend next time.
- Enjoy eating my delicious meal, taking the time my body needs to take each bite.
- Take a few minutes after my meal to reflect on how delicious and satisfying it was.
- Feeling refreshed and upbeat, hop in the car to pick up my kids.
We then turned the metaphor back to her real problem: how she handles her work. Her assumptions about work seem to be:
- If work is in front of me, I shouldn’t question how it got there or how it looks to me.
- All this work must be for me to do.
- I should start working now so I can hurry up and be done.
- I need to finish today so I can impress [myself, my boss].
- I don’t have the time or authority to change anything about what’s on my plate.
And now if she were who she believes herself to be at work, she would, in her words:
- Let myself feel…disgusted at what’s on my plate. I usually try to quash this feeling, but if I’m being honest, I don’t like what’s in front of me.
- Notice my impulse to start working right away so I can hurry up and finish.
- Use the energy from feeling disgusted to pause and wonder what is driving that feeling.
- Remember that I know how to re-organize things to design a satisfying work day.
- Recognize that I have the time and agency to rework what’s on my plate.
- Remove what is not essential for today and assign it a timeframe or other meaningful label.
- Notice that there’s extra work to share with a colleague who enjoys this type of work.
- Enjoy completing today’s work at a pace that allows me to be fully present in what I’m doing.
- Take a few minutes after my work day to reflect on how satisfying it was.
- Feeling refreshed and upbeat (wow this is possible?!), hop in the car to pick up the kids.
After going through this exercise, she concluded she was being a bit of a pushover in this dimension of her work, something she had no idea of, as she’s not that way in most settings!
She’s now working to invite her confident, competent, and fun self to the table, conscious of having adopted a pattern of behavior that didn’t reflect who she wants to be.
If you feel like you’re being handed a large plate of unappetizing food at work, with incentives to “eat it all or else,” remember that adjusting the quantity and quality of work we engage with is absolutely possible. Making this conscious choice will not destroy all your chances of success. In fact, it can make you much more valuable to your workplace, while also strengthening your relationships and improving the way you view yourself. There is a cost, of course: it requires time, attention, partnership and self-leadership. But the rewards can mean the work equivalent of things you want to eat, and in portions you can manage.